Christmas Cookies for Singles

To get you and your cats into the holiday season!

“You’re a prude and slightly delusional”.

readingthrubs

One of the things about most men, is that they don’t like to look like they’re assholes. Even if they are. They could go around being the biggest prick in the world, with the biggest smile on their face, but as soon as you call them out on their shit, BOOM. They were just joking, and you’re a bitch.

Here’s today’s example from Tinder (oh, and the time stamps will make sense about half way through):

James [August 25]: 5’10” hey?

Me [August 25]: Yes!

James [August 25]: Sexy

Me [August 25]: Lol, you?

James [August 25]: 6’5

Me [August 25]: Nice

James [August 26]: Do you live downtown?

Me [August 26]: Bayview

James [August 29]: Okay ūüė¶

For people who don’t know how far away that is, it’s like a total of a 7 minute drive… but oh, sad face! lame.¬†

Me [August 29]: That’s cool. I used to live on that side of town

James [August 29]: Sooo, lets hang out

Me [August 29]: Lol, okay. I’m in New Jersey for work right now. Won’t be available til next week

And I actually was! He should have seen that I was like 700 miles away on Tinder.

James [August 29]: Aw, ok

James [September 11]: Soo….

Me [September 11]: Hi

James [September 11]: Miss me?

Me [September 11]: Lol, of course…

James [September 11]: Awwwwwwwwww

James [September 15]: Sweet

James [November 8]: Elle, guess what?!?!?

Me [November 8]: What?

……Oh, that’s all you got…. okay…..????

James [December 8 – TODAY 2:33 am]: Come over

2:33 am…? “Come over”… no fucking way…¬†

Me [6:53 am]: ?

James [6:59 am]: Tinder booty call….lol

You’ve got to be kidding me…..¬†

James [9:18 am]: We can make that a morning booty call ‚̧

Oh, you’re not….¬†

Me [11:01 am]: What makes you think I would want to do that?

Because, ya know, none of our conversations, if you can call them that, have even gone there AT ALL!!!!!!!!!

James [11:24 am]: I’m just trying to get a reaction out of you at this point. Obviously you aren’t interested if I have to say something like that to even get you to respond. So never mind.

Fucking come on. I’m not buying that shit. You’re ‘just trying to get a reaction’ out of me. Fuck you. If you wanted to know me, maybe ask me how my damn day was, or that fucking trip to New Jersey? What kind of music do I like? What’s my favorite color? It’s green, and you’d know that if you even bothered to fucking ask. You know, just the standard ‘I’m-trying-to-get-to-know-you-fucking-typical-questions’ that you’re supposed to ask, jerk. Not this bullshit ‘Miss me?’ and ‘Elle guess what??!?!’ and ‘Sexy’… yeah, I can totally tell that you really want to get to know me. Wow… I mean, just SWOON.¬†

Me [11:47 am]: That’s bullshit. I’ve responded to you every time you’ve written to me.

James [11:48 am]: Nope, wrote you 3 times in September and you didn’t respond once.

Oh, so now we’re counting. Sweet, you know numbers. That’s cool…. except you don’t.¬†

Me [11:51 am]: Yes I did.

James [11:52 am]: Dude. I’m looking at it right now. This isn’t worth arguing. If you were interested you’d talk to me. So yeah, I figured we should at least have a booty call and have fun. Oh well.

Ohhhh, did ya figure that out all on your own??? That we should have a ‘booty call and have fun’… Did you not consider that I wouldn’t want to???… well, damn, I guess I’m really not interested…..OH WELL.

Me [11:56 am]: Lol, I’m also looking at it. Whatever. You’re right, it’s not worth arguing. Because this stupid stunt you tried to pull this morning pretty much ruined it.

James [11:56 am]: Lmao. It wasn’t a stunt. I was serious.

Fucking hell, I’m so over this.¬†

Me [12:00 pm]: I am also.

James [12:02 pm]: You’re a prude and slightly delusional.

HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! Ever since my 7 year relationship with Prick Clayson ended 3 years ago, I have had so many one night stands, and random sexual encounters, because I was trying to make up for the ‘lost time’… I’ve¬†certainly¬†toned it¬†down since then, but…WHAT?? Me? A “prude”? ME???? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!¬†

OH! And I’m “slightly delusional”, let’s not forget that little nugget!! I ¬†must be out of my damn fucking mind because I don’t want to climb on top of your penis right now!!!! Please….

Me [12:03 pm]: Hahahahahaha. You don’t know that about me. I’m hardly a prude. I just don’t like the command “come over”, when there has been nothing to culminate that.

Seriously. That was a ‘command’, which kind of bordered on the side of a ‘demand’. And really, how do I know that you’re not a¬†misogynistic¬†creep-hole serial¬†killer… . But, fuck it. “Come over”… yeah, that’ll happen…..NEVER.

James [12:05 pm]: I know. What a terrible thing for me to say. I deeply apologize. How offensive.

I can’t tell if this is an apology, or just complete sarcasm. Either way, I’m done. There’s no way, after all of this, that I’m gonna be like Mario and jump to the top of your flag pole.¬†

Oh…… wait….he’s not done….¬†

James [2:36 pm]: It’s ironic because if you would’ve come over, sex or no sex, we would’ve gotten to know more about each other in the first 10 minutes than we have in the last 3 months of tinder messages.

Dude, I don’t think you get “irony”… and ‘sex or no sex’… guy please, you were only about sex. Let’s not forget, “So yeah, I figured we should at least have a booty call and have fun. Oh well.”…. yeah, don’t go through all of this and tell me that you want to get to know me, and it’s not all about sex. You’re a fucking idiot.¬†

James [2:36 pm]: We were going nowhere. I wanted to meet you. Worth a shot.

It was “worth a shot”…. The only shot this guy wanted was one in my pants. And that’s got two meanings.¬†

Clicking.

Image

Aside from my post a few days ago, I haven’t posted in over a month. There’s a reason for it. I was putting something off – this post.

I’ve had this thought brewing inside my head for such a long time, but wasn’t ready to share it. Because once I share it, it’s out there, its “truth”. So here it is, my truth. But, I’m going to have to jump back a few months to catch you up.

Way back, all the way back to my very first post, I’m Not Okay, I mentioned someone called Tallguy, and that I’d explain it later.. I haven’t done it yet. Not because he’s out of my mind. But because he’s been on my mind every day. This will probably come as a surprise to most of my close friends because I’ve never brought it up, because I haven’t wanted to admit it.

I first started talking to Tallguy in May this year. We first started talking on pof, and had our first date on June 1st. We had talked a lot before that first date, and by the time I met him, I felt like we knew eachother really well. I was nervous that would mean that we wouldn’t have much to talk about once we met. It was the opposite. The date ended up being 5 hours long, and we talked the entire time. We really connected….we “clicked”. After that we talked a bunch more, but then, out of no where, he started doing the “slow fade”. You know what I mean by that, takes longer and longer to get back to you, then ceases communication completely. Then, there it was a text message that basically said that he was too busy with work, and couldn’t really focus on a relationship at the moment.

Fine. I’m not going to beg someone to be with me. Whatever. It sucked, I was bummed, but I’m not that girl who will argue with someone who says they don’t want to be with you. Too many people have done that to me, I’m not going to be that girl.

A month went by, and I thought about Tallguy everyday. It really pissed me off. I don’t like being hung up on a guy that I can’t do anything about. But that month came and went, and then something happened, Tallguy texted me. He felt that he made a huge mistake, and hadn’t been able to get me off his mind. I was conflicted. If he blew me off once, he could certainly do it again. But I still wanted to know, needed to see what would happen. I gave him a second chance. Well, I’m going to cut this part of the story really short. We met again, we connected, we “clicked”. But eventually, after a few weeks, he did do it again. He blew me off. A week later he messaged me on facebook, and this is what it said:

Elle, First off all, I want to begin this message with an apology. I’m sorry. I handled this situation all wrong. You didn’t know me well enough to know that I have been struggling with starting something new with someone, and have had a tendency to ruin something good. I am really sorry for my lack of conversation this past week and treating you the way I did. You’re an amazing girl. Seriously. You’re SUCH a catch. I’m pretty much an idiot. So, I will make this message short and get to the point.

The girl I spent 8 years of my life with, that I split up with 11 months ago, somehow managed to make her way back into my life around my birthday time. I spent that night before with you, and it was incredible. But to be honest, every girl that I have spent time with or gotten close with in the past 11 months, I have felt guilty about. My heart still belonged to “her” and I was just doing what I thought was right and needed to be done in order to move on. But the truth is, I was really still hurt from my last relationship, wasn’t ready to move on, and wasn’t going to be able to fully commit. So, in a weird way, I saved you from further hurt down the line by ending things sooner rather than later because my heart wasn’t in the game the way my mind and body were. I don’t know what is going to happen with my ex and I, but I do know that it seems like we have both changed a substantial amount within the past year and both have more capability for making it work if we choose to go down that path again.

It was amazing to meet you, and honestly, you were on my mind a lot. I wanted it to be you so badly. You were/are SO my type. I love how family oriented you are, ambitious, astonishingly beautiful, successful, independent, sweet, and you’re just the total package. Seriously.

I know I didn’t have to write all of this. I could have just kept blowing you off, but you are worth more than that. You deserve an explanation and this is my attempt at making it right.

You don’t have to reply to this email. In fact, I would prefer that you didn’t just because I feel it will make things more difficult. I know we only spent a short amount of time together, but it seriously meant a lot to me. I will definitely miss you and think about you anytime I go to Milwaukee or visit any of the places we spent together. I wish you the very best, and I hope you continue to be happy. Any guy will be extraordinarily lucky to have you.

Well. As much as it sucked to read that, it was awesome to get ANY KIND of explanation. After all of that, I had a lot to say, and despite what he wanted, I responded, he doesn’t get to make all of the decisions…

Hi Tallguy. I know you don’t want a response from me, but you’re going to get one anyway.

Something that you didn’t know about me, is that I also have a history of ruining something good. In the past three years I have found whatever I could about a guy, big or small, to justify ending it. When a guy became too involved or attached, I went running for the hills!!! Haha.

That was different with you. I never felt that. And it was a strange thing for me. It was something completely new. I liked it. I’m not telling you that to make you feel bad or guilty. I’m telling you this because it was HUGE step for me. I’m happy for it, even though things have already ended.

I want to Thank you. And I want you to know, that I’m not mad, I’m not holding a grudge. Mostly because I get it. I completely understand because I was where you are currently. My heart hasn’t belonged to ‘him’ for a very long time, but I pushed people away because I was protecting myself. I never had that fear with you. And maybe its because of you, maybe its just because enough time has passed. Either way, you were a part of that step. So thank you.

I wouldn’t have minded staying friends, but I see you already un-friended me ‚Äď lol. It’s okay. Maybe you can’t do that, and that’s fine.

So good bye, Tallguy, and good luck. Good luck with everything, whether you choose to amend things with your ex or not, your job ‚Äď possible new job, your goals, your life.

All of that, all that I said, was and still kind of is true. And even since then, when me messaged me in July, I’ve thought about him every day. That all kind of dissipated though when I started talking to Beardman. And well, what do you know?!?! It’s already over with Beardman. He ended it a few weeks ago. He had started doing the slow fade for about a week, and then he called me. He apologized for being flaky, we caught up a little bit, and then he says something along the lines of “So, I know this is probably really going to suck, but I don’t think this is really working for me. I don’t know why, it doesn’t make sense. You’re smart, funny, beautiful, but it’s not really clicking for me. I wanted to do this in person, but then I was afraid that I would just sleep with you instead. That would have been way worse.”…¬†

Yeah, guy, that would have been way worse. But I did really appreciate the call, the explanation, and the consideration of not continuing to blow me off.

So, the thought that’s been stuck with me, ‘What an amazing thing it is for two people to actually click’.¬†How was it that I was clicking with Beardman but he wasn’t? What is it about how Tallguy and I clicked, but his connection and feelings for someone else was stronger?

Or did I really click with anybody at all? Did I think I was clicking because desperately wanted to? I don’t fucking know.

“No, I have not had multiple groups of fighting warrior children come out of my vagina.”

WHAT

Quite frequently I receive messages from dating sites, and this includes all of them, where I wonder, SERIOUSLY, GUY? JUST, WHAT THE FUCK?

Today, such a thing happened…

Derk: Hi, my name is Derk. How are you? I like your pictures. You seem very photogenic. Very beautiful. So you’re young, beautiful, no children. How does that happen?

Dude, are you for real? I mean seriously? Who says this? “You’re young, beautiful, no children. How does that happen?” Gee, I don’t know, bro. And where the fuck are you from? Where are you getting these overtly outrageous over generalizations about women??? …

Me:¬†What kind of question is that I’m “Young, beautiful, no children. How does that happen?” Youth and beauty doesn’t equal popping out kids.

And you know what, ugliness¬†doesn’t¬†equal no kids, either!¬†

Derk: I’m sorry if my question upset you. Just a lame attempt at conversation maybe…

MAYBE????

Derk: …but to be fair, there are very few women out there who don’t have tons of children, so it was a legitimate question. Sorry if you took offense.

…. LEGITIMATE QUESTION??? What the fuck?? You’re kidding right? Yeah, some of my friends have children, but not TONS. If they have any, they have one or two. And most of my friends have none. Dude….¬†

Derk: I just meant that someone like you is a rare find. Most younger, beautiful women have armies of children already. That’s all I meant. Kind of a joke/question all in one.

Armies of children. Armies. ARMIES?!?!?¬†I just… I don’t even… just, what? Dude says it’s a joke, but ¬†after all of this, I’m not buying it. You’re the joke, guy!

Me: I’m sorry to disappoint you, but no. No, I have not had multiple groups of fighting warrior children come out of my vagina. And clearly you severely over generalize women. Did it ever occur to you that I’d like to get my career in order before having children? Because, ya know, kids cost fucking money, guy.

I think that last message did it. No response, but that’s fine. I don’t need someone who lives in the 1950s all up in my business.¬†

 

5 Damaging Myths That We Believe About Relationships

5 Damaging Myths That We Believe About Relationships

Follow the link to the full article by MindBodyGreen.
 
1. If I experience any doubt in my relationship, I’m with the wrong partner.
 
I hate to break it to you, but 100% certainty about anything in life is a childlike illusion. Life is uncertain. Doubt about any major decision is not only inevitable but healthy. And when you’re on the precipice of making a lifetime commitment ¬†or even have the sense that your partner is someone with whom you could envision spending the rest of your life, why wouldn’t you have doubts?¬†
 
Isn’t it a sign of intelligence and thoughtfulness to put your partner under the microscope for a period of time and honestly ask yourself if you’re making a loving choice? (Notice that I didn’t say “the right choice,” as there isn’t one right choice when it comes to marriage.) The key question to ask yourself is:¬†Is my partner someone with whom I can learn about love?
 
2. If I don’t feel butterflies every time we’re together (or if I never had them), I don’t really love him or her.
 
Butterflies are a sign of infatuation, and feeling infatuated is an early, somewhat adolescent stage of a relationship. Butterflies are often induced by the state of longing, which occurs before you know that your partner is fully committed. Unfortunately, the modern psyche is wired to equate love with longing, so when there’s an element of chase or drama, we think we’ve found true love.¬†
 
True¬†love¬†has nothing to do with longing or drama. Real love is two available people standing face to face willing to be vulnerable, honest, and committed. There’s nothing dramatic about that and it usually doesn’t induce butterflies. If you still feel butterflies several years into a relationship, it’s likely because you’re the pursuer in the pursuer-distancer dynamic that characterizes most relationships. That’s fine, but it’s also fine to not feel butterflies. What matters is if your relationship is growing on a solid foundation of respect, trust, friendship, connection, and shared vision and values. Anything else is icing on the cake.
 
3. If I don’t miss my partner when he or she is away, I must not really love him or her.
 
Hogwash. If you don’t miss your partner it means that you’re fulfilled and whole inside of yourself, which is one of the strongest determinants of being capable of having a healthy relationship.
 
4. I should want to spend every moment with my partner, especially after we get married. 
 
This belief is part of our culture’s propagation of adolescent love instead of mature love. In adolescent love, you live your lives in each others’ back pockets, two half people merging to create a whole. In mature love, you value and protect each others’ separateness, and from that space of enlivened separateness, you come to together to share love in the third space of the relationship as two whole people.¬†
 
Even after you’re married‚ÄĒespecially¬†after you’re married‚ÄĒit’s healthy to say to your spouse, “I need some time alone tonight. I’m going to take an hour in the bedroom to write or listen to music.” I’m often surprised by how many of my clients truly don’t know that it’s OK to ask for time alone.
 
5. Sex should always be fantastic and I should want it all the time. 
 
That would be nice, but it’s not reality. Sometimes you’ll want it; sometimes you won’t. Sometimes you won’t want it, but you’ll do it anyway to water the relationship garden, and it will turn out to be great. Sometimes you’ll be bored; that’s okay. You and your partner may have different needs around frequency as there’s usually a high-drive and a low-drive partner; if you communicate about it, you’ll eventually work it out. Hollywood and mainstream media do such a number on our minds regarding sex that most people simply don’t know what’s normal.
 
How about this? If it’s basically working for the two of you, you’re fine. And if it’s not working well, but you’re addressing it together, you’re also fine. Sex is complicated in the best of circumstances as it activates our deepest wounds and needs about loving and being loved, so a strong dose of compassion and patience goes a long way in this department.
 
As a rule, notice how many times the word¬†should¬†enters your thinking process when it comes to your relationship and try to let it go. There are no shoulds or molds that you have to squeeze yourself into; there’s only what works for the two of you.

 

Things I Never Thought I’d Say – #1

Things with Beardman have been going pretty great. Like I don’t even care about the beard that recently kind of freaked me out before. Great sex will do that to a girl. And by that, I mean 5 orgasms the first time around kind of good sex. Yes, you read that right. In fact, it kind of completes the beast-mode effect that happens when he gets really into it. And I definitely like that!!!

For the second time that he came over, I decided to pull out the big guns. And by guns I mean my no-gag reflex. I’m pretty awesome. Not that I’m bragging, because that’s just a really weird thing to brag about, I just have some incredible skill at going down on a guy.

However, while I was down there, I realized there was a hair in my mouth. And the string of thoughts went like this:

Oh…what?… I think‚Ķ Oh god there‚Äôs something in my mouth.

….

Umm, is that a hair? Oh, no. No. No. No. There is a hair in my mouth.

Please be a beard hair in my mouth. Please be a beard hair! Please be a beard hair!! PLEASE BE A BEARD HAIR IN MY MOUTH!!!!

Gag.

That pretty much halted any awesomeness that I could have achieved down under. Maybe next time…

So this is happening….

Of course it's not EXACTLY like this....

Of course it’s not EXACTLY like this….

After my last post regarding fake love, I received the following message on match.com:

Great profile… Great Smile …. I’m big, bold, and blunt… Our profiles share a lot of similarities, it a good chance our personalities will too… It’s not to often you run across a farmers daughter living in the big city. If you’re interested in grabbing a drink, let me know.¬†

Well, it caught my attention, it was pretty obvious that he had read my profile, so I might as well check him out. The first thing I saw was this guy with a giant beard. His pictures make him out to be this rebel biker guy. Totally not somebody I would go for. But I did read his profile. And he was right. We did share a lot of similarities. So, okay, what the hell. Now’s the time to get out of my comfort zone and try out those things that I wouldn’t normally go for.

I decided to set up a date with him last Friday after work. The date was set for a gallery showing at the Harley Davidson Museum, followed by a few drinks. It couldn’t hurt, right?

The day before I almost cancelled it. If I haven’t mentioned this before, I kind of get hurt all the damn time. That morning I had got something in my eye, and rubbed my eyeball so hard that it was swollen and red. And when I say swollen, I mean that the entire white parts of my right eye were so swollen, but your pupils don’t swell at all, so the end result was that my eyeball looked like a belly button! As you can imagine, this caused some panic on my end. I went to my doctor and got them rinsed and checked out, and she gave me this ointment, not drops. This stuff was like medicated Vaseline. And after I put it in, I would end up blinking it out, which meant it would get all over my face. Plus wearing any make up at all was completely out. Fuck. I didn’t want to go on a date with no make up on. Especially with my eyes all ‘shiny’. So, I almost cancelled the date because of that. But also I was nervous about taking a chance.

In the end, I just thought You know what, Elle? Fuck it. This actually sounds like a cool date. So I stuck with the plan.

Well, he came and picked me up – which, having a guy pick me up is something I almost never do. Things can go so wrong so quickly, and it’s nice to have my own escape plan! But I took another chance. He was waiting out side, gave me a hug, and opened the car door for me. Now THAT has never happened before. You’ve already received some points there, BigBeard.

We got dinner at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican place that was really great, and really great for people watching. We talked for probably an hour there, and you know what? It wasn’t terrible! We went to the HD Museum, which is actually a really cool building. He taught me some stuff about the bikes that were there, and I taught him stuff about the building. When I was in architecture school I toured it before it was opened. I kind of know things. It’s not a big deal. I’m like freaking girl Ted Mosby.

Afterwards we went to a German Beer Hall downtown, and met up with a few of his friends from his bike club. They were all really cool. While we were getting another drink, one of the bartenders made a joke, ‘Oh hey! Do you gotta dig all the way in there to get a kiss?? Hahahaha’.. Well, fuck, no sir, I haven’t made it there yet, but golly jee, now that ya bring it up,¬†digging all the way up there is kind of terrifying.

After that we left and went to another bar in my neighborhood. We stayed out until bar close, casually drinking and talking. Much to my surprise, I actually had a really great time. He’s a smart guy, an engineer with multiple degrees. Likes to try new things. Similar tastes in food and music. He’s really funny. He’s also really tall, 6′-6″, I really like tall guys. Like me, he also grew up on a farm, which is rare to find in the City. I could go on and on about this. .. But then there is the one thing. That beard. It’s distracting. It moves when he talks, and then I zone in and stare at it. But that’s it. That’s the one thing.

We left the bar, and he drove me home, and walked me to my door. Ahhhhh… It’s coming!!!!! He leaned in for the kiss, and it was just a peck. Which was good. I would need baby steps with a beard like that.

Well, last night, I had my second date with him. I decided to give him another shot. And I had another great time. I guess we’ll see where that goes.

“I blame John Cusack”

Cusack

Lately I’ve been thinking about a book that I read a long time ago. “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs” by Chuck Klosterman.

Klosterman examines pop culture and attacks the entire spectrum of postmodern America: reality TV, Internet porn, Pamela Anderson, literary Jesus freaks, and the real difference between apples and oranges (of which there is none). …. (Okay, I copied this summary from the back of the book.)

But lately I’ve been thinking about his thoughts on fake love. The following is from the first two and a half pages of SD&CP.

“No woman will ever satisfy me. I know that now, and I would never try to deny it. But this is actually okay, because I will never satisfy a woman, either.¬†

Should I be writing such thoughts? Perhaps not. Perhaps it’s a bad idea. I can definitely foresee a scenario where that first paragraph could come back to haunt me, especially if I somehow became marginally famous. If I became marginally famous, I will undoubtedly be interviewed by someone in the media, and the interviewer will¬†inevitably¬†ask, “Fifteen years ago, you wrote that no woman could ever satisfy you. Now that you’ve been married for almost five years, are those words still true?” And I will have to say, “Oh, God no. Those were the words of an entirely different person – a person whom I can’t even relate to anymore. Honestly, I can’t imagine an existence without______.” She satisfies me in ways that I never even considered. She saved my life, really.”

Now, I will be lying. I won’t really feel that way. But I’ll certainly say those words, and I’ll deliver them with the utmost sincerity, even though those sentiments will not be there. So then the interviewer will undoubtedly quote lines from this particular paragraph, thereby reminding me that I swore I would publicly deny my true feelings, and I’ll chuckle and say, “Come on, Mr. Rose. That was a literary device. You know I never really believed that.”

But here’s the thing: I do believe that. It’s the truth now, and it will be the future. And while I’m not exactly happy about that truth, it doesn’t make me sad, either. I know it’s not my fault.¬†

It’s no one’s fault, really. Or maybe it’s everyone’s fault. It should be everyone’s fault, because it’s everyone’s problem. Well, okay.. not boring people, and not the profoundly [mentally challenged]. But whenever I meet dynamic, non[mentally challenged] Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I’m going to blame John Cusack.¬†

I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack. Under certain circumstances, this would have been fine; Cusack is relatively good-looking, he seems like a pretty cool guy (he likes the Clash and the Who, at least), and he undoubtedly has millions of bones in the bank. If Cusack and I were competing for the same woman, I could¬†easily¬†accept losing. Howver, I don’t really feel like John and I were “competing” for the girl I’m referring to, inasmuch as her relationship to Cusack was confined to watching him as a two-dimensional projection, pretending to be characters who don’t actually exist. Now, there was a time when I would have thought that detachment would have given me a huge advantage over Johnny C., inasmuch as my relationship with this woman included things like “talking on the phone” and “nuzzling under umbrellas” and “eating pancakes.” However, I have come to realize that I perceived this competition completely backward; it was definitely an unfair battle, but not in my favor. It was unfair in Cusack’s favor. I never had a chance.¬†

It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn’t the number-one box-office stare in America, because every straight girl I know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker. For upwardly mobile women in their twenties and thirties, John Cusack is the neo-Elvis. But here’s what none of these upwardly mobile women seem to realize: They don’t love John Cusack. They love Lloyd Dobler. When they see Mr.Cusack, they are still seeing the optimistic, charmingly loquacious teenager he played in Say Anything, a movie that came out more than a decade ago. That’s the guy they think he is; when Cusack played Eddie Thomas in America’s Sweethearts or the sensitive hit man in Grosse Pointe Blank, all his female fans knew he was only acting … but they assume when the camera stopped rolling, he went back to his genuine self … which was someone like Lloyd Dobler … which was, in fact, someone who is Lloyd Dobler, and someone who continues to have a storybook romance with Diane Court (or with Ione Skye, depending on how you look at it). And these upwardly mobile women are not alone. We all convince ourselves of things like this – not necessarily about Say Anything, but about any fictionalized portrayals of romance that happen to hit us in the right place, at the right time. This is why I will never be able to satisfy a woman, and this is why the kind of woman I tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me. We will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love.”

Okay, so obviously some of these references are a little dated. So replace all the John Cusack and Say Anything references with Ryan Gosling and The Notebook. But nonetheless, I find some of the sentiment to be true. Or partially true. Do I set up all of the men in my life to fail, because I have some preconceived notion of a perfect man, based on a conglomerate of “perfect” movie men? I’d like to think not, but now I’m not quite sure. I know what I want, and what I would like in man, but have those ideals been outlined for me by main stream media?¬†Fake love.¬†Something to think about.

Probably one of the most awkward moments of my life.

… Picking up here I left off, the story about my break up with Prick Clayson…

I was at my parent’s house for Father’s Day weekend. After the initial talk in person with my parents about the break up I really needed to get out of that house and forget about it all. I texted a friend from high school who was also home that weekend. I drove into town and met up with Serena. When I got to the bar I told her everything about the break up. I was still pretty down about it all.

While we were sitting there, this guy came up and started talking to Serena. His name was Jameson, and he was breathtakingly hot as hell. It turned out that Jameson was Serena’s booty call when she was in town. While they were talking, and I was sitting up at the bar, this guy came up and talked to me. It turns out that he was Jameson’s brother. For the life of me, I can’t remember his name, or maybe I never really learned it. For the purpose of this story, his name shall be Curtis.

Curtis was not anything like Jameson. He was the complete opposite. Not good looking, he was weird and awkward. And even if I had been interested in finding someone to talk to, or hook up with, he would not have been the guy at all. But at that time, I just needed to talk to people and not feel alone. Since Serena was preoccupied, I told Curtis my whole story. I think about that now, and I probably seemed pretty vulnerable. I was probably easy to take advantage of. It’s a good thing he was such a dork that he probably never even thought of that.

Jameson and Curtis left for a little while, and then Serena and I, and our other friend from home, Ally, went into Serena’s car, and smoked. By the time we all got back into the bar, I was drunk and high. The thing is, it didn’t really make me feel better, it just dulled everything.

The bar was going to close in about 20 minutes, and then Curtis asked me if I wanted to dance. Dude, I am so not into this. I said no. A few minutes later, the hot guy from across the bar came over and asked me if I wanted to dance. Wow, okay, well I could be into that!¬†But, even though I was drunk and high, I still had a conscious, and felt bad if I were to say yes to hot guy, but said no to Curtis with him standing right there. So I said no to him.¬†Shit.¬†Then, out of no where, my little brother’s friend, Paul, who had just turned 21, came up to me, put his arm around my shoulder, and asked if I wanted to dance. Hot guy said, “Hey!!! I just asked her, she said no.”… Then Curtis, “No, I asked her first!”

What the fuck is this shit?

I ran into the bathroom and stayed there until close. When I came out, Serena and Jameson were waiting for me… along with Curtis. I was in no shape to drive home, so I decided to go with Serena to Jameson’s house. That also meant that Curtis would be coming along.¬†Super.¬†As soon as we walked in, I saw the couch, and said, I’m sleeping there. I laid down, and was in and out of consciousness. Serena and Jameson were playing video games for a little bit. Curtis was on the other couch watching them. I fell asleep again.

The next time that I woke up, the room was dark. Everyone must have gone to sleep. Then, something very unexpected happened. There was loud heavy breathing, and someone caressing my arm. I realized that Curtis somehow got behind me on the couch and was spooning me. He was breathing really heavy into my ear, and was still rubbing my arm. And then there it was… the poke from behind.

OH WHAT??? WHAT THE FUCK??? WHAT DO I DO?? THIS GUY IS A FUCKING CREEP! HE THINKS I’M SLEEPING!! WHAT DO I DO?!??!¬†

Before I can react, he tenses up, and jumped up, and ran into the bathroom!

WHAT?… OH MY GOD… WHAT??!?!?! EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! THAT GUY JUST GOT OFF BY SPOONING ME, WE’RE ALL FULLY CLOTHED, AND HE WAS ONLY RUBBING MY ARM!!!! WHAT???!?!? OMG!!! THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!

OH HELL... WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING???? -  that's pretty much what I looked like.

OH HELL… WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING???? – that’s pretty much what I looked like.

I was asleep again before he came out of the bathroom. I woke up at 5 am. I didn’t not want to be there. I didn’t care if I saw Serena before I left. I wanted to leave. Curtis was on the other couch again. I woke him up. “Hey! I want to leave! Take me to my car!”

He drove me back to my car. That was the longest, most awkward 40 MINUTE car ride I’d ever had. I must have really been out of it the night before because I didn’t realize it took that long to get to Jameson’s house. I drove back to my parent’s house. When I walked in my dad was making coffee. “Uh, good morning” He said.

All I could say back was, “Ehhh”. He laughed, and I went to my room to sleep it off.

A Guy’s Perspective to Online Dating

Online Dating. “It’s like online shopping, instead you’re shopping for a fucking girlfriend or boyfriend”. It’s true. No matter what you’re looking for this is true. And yeah, anything that gets people to meet other people is a great tool! Even though sometimes I feel like the tools are broken for me, Match, POF, OKCupid, Tinder. Maybe Max is right. Maybe if I go out and do a fun thing, and then meet some one while I’m doing that fun thing, we’ll have something in common – that fun thing! Ha.. if only it were really that simple.

Watch MaxNoSleeves video, there’s definitely humor to it.

My favorite part of the video is the checklist, mostly because I’m guilty of the checklist myself.

My Checklist:
-A liberal – I can’t get involved with a conservative, there’d just be too much fighting.
-Over 6′-0″ tall – ” ‘Cause I’m gonna be wearing my heels”…. lol
-Employed – not a deal breaker if you’re actively seeking work.
-Mature – I don’t have time for your shit if you’re not.
-Active & healthy – Because I try to be, it’s important.
-Knows the difference between your & you’re, there, their, & they’re, and too, & to.

I really don’t think those things are too much to ask for! If any of you know this guy, please send him my way!